I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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