No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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