That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
