i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
