mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
