I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
