I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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