you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
