The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
