We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
