What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
