i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
