You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
