I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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