I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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