I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
