So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
