Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
