She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
