I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
