Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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