I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
