okay pat passed out under dana's car
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
pop tarts are not kleenex
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My bed smells like the plague
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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