just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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