he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize