sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
