four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
