woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
