you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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