someone get that fucking seahorse.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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