I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
