Your face is a jimmy john
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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