On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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