i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
