How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
