I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We left the knife in your bed.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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