he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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