barbara walters just said penis...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
