DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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