I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
