I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
