he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
