I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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