Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
