I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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