If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
