my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
