You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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