He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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