she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
