I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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